Horus Heresy Agony Aunt

the-horus-heresy-false-godsDear Miriam,

I recently got involved in a fight with some minions of the so-called dark gods. Obviously I won because I’m so super-duper but unfortunately I was seriously wounded in the process and thus I write to you from deep within a coma.

My problem is that Chaplain Erebus of the Word Bearer Legion keeps appearing in my dreams. He has an agenda to make me sign up to joining him and his chaos team. It’s so obvious he’s trying to fool me. He even went as far to disguise himself as one of my dead friends. He keeps showing me a future that I don’t like the look of, where everyone is kissing my dad’s butt. I was nearly convinced, but the idiot admitted he was trying to deceive me. Just then my really smart brother (he’s a sorceror – much better than that Paul Daniels of ancient history) showed up and told me not to listen to the chaplain in case he gets me to do something really stupid.

I am normally really level headed about these kinds of things but over the last few hundred pages I’ve started to act like some kind of moody tyrant rather than the hyper charismatic boss that I am and everybody loves. What should I do?

Yours Sincerely,
Warmaster Horus

Dear Warmaster,

Seeing as you’ve been on a crusade in the name of atheism for the past two hundred years I would definitely listen to a chaplain. Ignore this Magnus person; despite being your brother and really clever he only has one eye so obviously cannot be trusted.

I know that you’ve spent the best part of one and a half novels banging on about how your brothers, sons and father are the most precious things in the world to you but these dark gods sound like decent people to work for, they really do. That they were trying to kill you a few pages back is something you should conveniently forget.

What I would do is start a completely out of character galactic civil war which will lay waste to all the work that you, your father and all your brothers have achieved these last few centuries. Don’t forget to specifically declare war on Sanguinus who in ‘Horus Rising’ was your mutual BFF. As for your astartes don’t worry; since Dan Abnett went on holiday they’ve all become really two dimensional. It should be really easy to figure out who would give up their oaths to the Emperor and who wouldn’t. Simply send your previously well loved brethren into a big fight on Isstvan III and blow them all up in a senseless waste of wargear and ordinance.

One last thing, you can completely trust Ezekyle Abaddon as he has made it into Codex: Chaos Space Marines 6th Edition. I don’t see you in there but I expect that’s probably just a printing error.

Yours Sincerely,


One thought on “Horus Heresy Agony Aunt”

  1. Other than a lack of spoiler tags for anyone who’s not read that far into the series I have to say that it is a rather succinct and accurate portrayal of what goes on. It’s certainly an interesting read as to how Horus starts his descent (which you know is coming of course) but yeah, /facepalm.

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