Elves Like Early Baths


So it was last weekend that Admiral Servitob set sail once more aboard his freshly recovered flagship.  This time he had spared no expense and had got his grog swilling crew sober enough to paint the ship without falling overboard or getting sea water in the varnish.  Soon enough he was to be joined in formation by the curry flavoured ZombiePirateXXX and a new dwarven ally, Captain Baerlerx Leowtodex.  The dwarf captain had brought his new flashy steeled battleship with his family fortune made in the comedy trade.  As everyone knows, dwarves make awful sailors so he was forced to spend several weeks trawling the local rivers with big nets until he had captured enough canoes, dingies, snorkellers and people falling off bridges to form a makeshift crew of the best sailors the dwarven race could muster.

Soon enough the joint forces were set upon by a bloodthirsty fleet, eager to test their mettle and prove their worth against the unsinkable yet relatively modest Admiral Servitob.  The enemy was comprised of Captain Gribblin, Lord High Lifeguard of The Elves, keeper of the sacred patent pink whistle and holder of the holy bouyancy device.  With them was the impeccably dressed human Sea Lord Banker, renowned for insisting upon only wearing his finest garments into battle, only to get them dirty with the blood of the slaughtered and therefore gain infinite grief from his laundry maid.  Following up from the rear was a new sight, the eager young Commander Threefeetly of the Dragon Lord Empire, sailing a brand new battleship.  A ship so new the crew were still busy peeling the stickers off the porthole windows as they sailed into combat.

Battle was joined, and with great yet somewhat predictable skill the Elf ship trailblazed into battle like a bunch of women at the january sales.  There were no bargain handbags or pointy stilletos to be found here though, only the deadly guns of the dwarves, shroud mages and bone griffons.  Soon enough the Elf battleship was blasted to a collection of loosely connected splinters, and had to escape to take a breather.  Unfortunately there were no nearby starbucks or cafes to buy a nice drink and a cake, so the elves were forced to sulk back in the direction they came.

The incredibly slow but jubilant dwarf captain, having made short work of the elves with extra helpings of gunpowder for everyone made slowly for the Dragon Lord battleship.  He was overtaken by a friendly bunch of sea snails who offered him a lift, but he politely declined on account that he was actually convinced that his smoke belching noisy hunk of iron must have a second gear.  Alas it didn’t so he crawled along.  No such trouble for the Dragon Lords though, who having read all the instruction manuals and filled in all their warranty cards were positively flying into battle.  Soon enough the Dwarves were within range and Captain Threefeetly ordered his strangely androgenous crew to open fire.  The shots pierced the mighty hull of the dwarven battleship, setting fire to the beard laquer store on board.  There was a tremendous explosion as fourteen tonnes of hair products combusted simultaneously, wrecking the ship.  Luckily the ship quickly sank, which prevented the fire burning anything really important.  Unluckily, the really important stuff was now at the bottom of the sea.

The swirling maelstrom of battle continued, with ZombiePirateXXX leading his crew in many brave boarding actions.  Eventually though, the major participants were exhausted and damaged beyond repair.  The Bone Griffon ship was virtually crewless, the Dragon Lords had all abandoned ship, the Humans were wishing they had brought more lifeboats, and the Elves were lamenting the fact that they were never going to get home in time for their favourite soap opera.  Except Servitob.  He had been sailing around, taking the occasional shot at the enemy to make it look like he was doing something useful.  In fact his Shroud Mage battleship was still fully functional.  Eventually, after several hours of manouvering he positioned his battleship to the stern of the remaining Humans.  Shroud Mage cannons roared and the new paint was stripped off them by the amazing heat of shot, striking a fatal blow to Sea Lord Banker’s ailing battleship.  The human ship exploded in a holy conflagration, spreading debris, cutlery and teapots all around.  The Elves could not believe their luck as the humans’ best tableware and fancy linen fell from the sky.  They quickly started stuffing it in their handbags, mumbling ‘Finders keepers, losers weepers’ and similar mantras until their ship was so overloaded, it too sunk.

And thus Admiral Servitob was able to sail into the glorious horizon of victory.

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