Arrrgh! – There’s Flotsam In My Beard!


The brave, brave Shroud Mages led by the valiant yet remarkably seasick Admiral Servitob set sail to do battle in the Uncharted Seas.  His crew, mainly large hatted veterans of countless battles had never tasted defeat.  They had often tasted fried chicken from kentucky, and curious beverages brewed by the man known only as Pepper PhD.  These delicacies were often served to the crew on the day of battle, far from the prying eyes and jealous tongues of their wives and families.

So it was that that the darkened dwarf fleet set sail, to steam into battle, for battle’s sake alone with the infinitely numerous humans and surprisingly gay elves.  The undead zombies were here to fight as well, and cleverly allied themselves with the dwarfs, for they had seen their victories past and wanted one for themselves.

In the first moments of battle the mighty elven mage aboard his majestic yet slightly camp battleship invoked the elements and caused a strong wind to blow straight into the face of his human allies.  This bothered not the steam powered naughty dwarfs, except that it blew the foetid stench of the undead fleet across their ships.  Many noses were held, and much grumbling was made among Servitob’s crew.

The steeled ships of the dwarven fleet sailed unharried into the jaws of the immobile human forces, and fired volley after volley of deadly shot into the creaky wooden hulls of the human vessels.  Eventually a lucky hit was scored and a lead human cruiser exploded in a great ball of flame, damaging all within reach.  The humans, bored of being used for target practice, could not retaliate as their wimpy cannonballs bounced off the mighty armour-clad Shroud Mage ships.  Eventually the humans escaped their windy confinement and sailed a great number of vessels jealously into Admiral Servitob’s impervious battleship.  They had seen the strength and dominance of this vessel and wanted it for themselves.  Servitob’s crew put up a tenacious defense, but Servitob and the last of his tars were thrown overboard by the hordes of inept humans.  Luckily due to a difference in scale and imagination the lanky humans were unable to operate their new prize, so in true human fashion immediately set about turning it into a floating real estate development complete with bars, shops and a nice hotel where they put mints on the pillows.

The backstabbing, yet curious elves fared little better.  The first volley from the broadsides of the undead battleship at great range caused an immense commotion on board their flagship.  The elves were enjoying a nice round of naked cocktails in the hot tub on the bridge when a stray projectile landed in the tub, causing a small amout of soapy spillage which leaked through the floor and caused a short circuit in the vessels self destruct mechanism.  What had started as a small, private tub session soon involed the entire crew happily bathing together.  Someone soon recovered the ship’s entire store of sparkling wine, straws and bubblebath and there was much rejoicing, although little further actual battling from the pointy eared fellows.

The remaining humans eventually got hungry, and sailed their last remaining battleship to the nearest carvery restaurant for a feast.  Promptly they ordered the vegetarian option from all the fine meats on display.

And so it was the combined might of the smelly undead and big hatted stunties sailed together into victory, and there was much rejoicing.  Servitob, unfortunately had to swim home.

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